Freedom in My Lesson Learned

Look back at your life....what do you see, what have you learned? I have a list of things, items if you will, that I personally have learned throughout my life - I call it My Life Lessons. Some were pretty easy, others much more difficult and took a bit more time. But I did learn them.

I passed! *smiling ear to ear*

My most difficult lesson came very early in my life. It was the end of my senior year of high school, just before graduation. I was seventeen and pregnant - and made the decision to have an abortion.

My Mom was against it, my best friend was against it, and the boys family was against it. It was morally wrong and they were all going to try to stop me. But they didn't - I went ahead and did it anyways.

My parents had raised a woman with a mind of her own - although many would probably say that I'm just a stubborn redhead (which is also true). But this decision was mine and no one was going to talk me out of it or tell me what I was going to do with my life. And no one did.

Looking back at it now I still believe I made the right choice. Please do not misunderstand, to this day I am against abortion and would never encourage anyone to have one. But for me it was a huge lesson that I needed to learn. You see even when I was seventeen I knew in my heart that killing was wrong. I had received enough back ground information in regards to God that I knew I had committed a huge "no-no"- "Thou shalt not kill." In my eyes I had not only killed - it was pre-meditated murder.

Four Years of Hell

So the lesson started. I put myself through hell for about four years. There was no one to blame but myself, I had made the decision in the first place. I could have listened to those who cared about me, but the real lessons that we learn are the ones we usually have to learn the hard way - through our own reality.

Guilt and the need for forgiveness drove me to learn more about God and Jesus. I knew that all I had to do was "ask" to be forgiven and I would be. I knew - I understood what I had done wrong. I prayed, I cried, and I asked. I didn't understand why if all I had to do was ask, then why didn't I feel forgiven . Why did I still feel so horrible. Why did my heart feel like it would burst. Why was my sorrow so over whelming.

Freedom in my lesson learned

It was Sunday morning worship service. ( I love this part of church). Everyone is singing and rejoicing - it's like you are in this beautiful flow of energy. For some it is so wonderful that it brings tears of joy; for me this morning it was tears of need, tears of desire to truly feel forgiven. I was crying, literally bawling. My heart was breaking. And I heard a voice, like someone standing above me. I heard these words spoken to me...

"I have forgiven you, but you haven't forgiven yourself."

Oh the rush of joy! Again the bawling, only this time tears of relief and understandings.

This moment in my life-this hard learned lesson has helped me in understanding how important it is to truly forgive ones self. It's not just about forgiving the person that cut you off or called you that name in anger. After all, no one is perfect. We all have done things that we have regretted or wished we never had done. But it is usually in our wrong choices that we learn our most valuable lessons. So really there are no wrong choices - just difficult lessons. I'm learning mine - what about you?